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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27068182">jubilee line</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/qar/pseuds/qar'>qar</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Family Dynamics, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, IRL Fic, Kinda, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, almost, take care of yourselves, vent fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-09 00:20:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,612</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27068182</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/qar/pseuds/qar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy makes a mistake, which develops into a bad habit. Things get brighter.</p><p> </p><p>Disclaimer:<br/>If any of the creators mention they are uncomfortable with these types of fics I will take this down.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dave | Technoblade &amp; TommyInnit, Dave | Technoblade &amp; Wilbur Soot &amp; TommyInnit &amp; Phil Watson, Toby Smith | Tubbo &amp; TommyInnit, TommyInnit &amp; Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot &amp; TommyInnit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2229</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>jubilee line</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Heavy TW for (technically??) attempted suicide<br/>(please tell me if i need to add any other tws)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first time it happened was a complete accident.</p><p>Tommy'd been walking home. It hadn't been a bad day, per se; it had been one of those days that left him feeling cold and empty, and he'd been listening to a podcast to keep himself from having a mental breakdown. </p><p>He had a stream in the evening; until then he'd finish his homework and probably pop in a call with Toby and whoever else was online. He had two moods on those days: one for socialisation, and one against. Right now he was longing to talk to someone.</p><p>He'd laughed quietly at something one of the guests had said, looking down at his sneakers as he walked. They were dark gray, covered in mud from the several puddles of mud and melting snow he'd walked through. His shoelaces were untied. Maybe he'd trip over them.</p><p>He'd crossed the street quickly, eager to get out of the cold; his hands were quickly going numb, and the quicker he got home the quicker he'd be able to talk to someone, or pet his dogs. Then he'd been pulled out of the way of a car.</p><p>The man who'd pulled him away was in his mid-thirties, and had slowed his bike next to him when he realised Tommy wasn't paying attention to the cars passing. He'd grabbed the scruff of Tommy's jacket and yanked him back, before parking his bike off-handedly and fussing over the boy for a bit.</p><p>Tommy- well, usually he'd be kinda scared, and maybe he'd cry. Now he's just numb. His eyes probably look startled, and he can't open his mouth- but he doesn't feel anything; except maybe his hands shaking. The man offers him a ride to his house, but Tommy declines with a minute shake of his head. Maybe the man's concerned. He shouldn't be.</p><p>It would have been an accident, had he been two steps to the left. It wouldn't have been his fault; it would just have been another stupid accident.</p><p>Tommy doesn't speak when he gets home.</p><p>~~~</p><p>Tommy knows Wilbur has music, and so he's looking for it.</p><p>He's listened to whatever's come up on his feed- such as Internet Ruined Me, which he had memorised, and the classic, Karen Please Come Back I Miss The Kids. He hadn't listened to the others out of some mixture of respect and sheer awkwardness- but now he was here.</p><p>He's curled in his desk chair, one leg propped on his table. He's freezing, bundled in several sweaters and wrapped in a blanket. It isn't helping. He has a feeling more jackets won't help.</p><p>He knows one song goes "Your city gave me asthma," so he searches that up. It turns out to be a whole album, so he clicks Jubilee Line, which seems to be the origin of the lyric, and settles in to listen.</p><p>He listens relatively peacefully, hair curling over his eyes, headphones on. It's kinda loud, but it makes him sleepy. </p><p>Listening to Wilbur's music is equally as jarring as it is uncomfortable, but for some reason he feels like it's deeper; he <em>knows</em> what Wilbur was thinking about when he wrote the lyrics, and he knows what he's thinking now, so it feels more real.</p><p>One thing he hates about music- it gets him so bad on his off days.</p><p>
  <em>..the walls don't fucking love you</em>
</p><p>There's the rising sound of trains passing by, accompanied by the guitar getting louder, and Tommy scrambles to pull off his headphones, hands starting to tremble. It's so loud. He's overreacting.</p><p>His headphones are on the floor; he can still hear the music going.</p><p>
  <em>..there's a reason </em>
</p><p>
  <em>london puts barriers on the tube line..</em>
</p><p>He doesn't want to listen right now. He covers his ears. The blanket feels like it's suffocating him. He's overreacting.</p><p>Nothing's happened. Why is he scared?</p><p>His phone's on the floor. Someone's squeezing his lungs. He doesn't have any air left. He's overreacting.</p><p>He's overreacting.</p><p>~~~</p><p>Tommy develops what he calls a <em>bad habit</em>.</p><p>He comes home that day with numb hands and a head filled with cotton and white noise. His shoelaces are still untied. If he'd tripped on them..</p><p>He heads upstairs without a word, quietly sliding past his parents. He couldn't say a word if he wanted to; his mouth feels dry, and nothing could possibly make it out of his throat.</p><p>Tommy was a foot away from dying. The thought isn't as troubling as it should be.</p><p>He collapses in bed and opens Discord, scrolling through his messages, not replying to most. He's too tired. Tubbo's messaged him, asking if he wants to call; Tommy closes his phone, pulls up his covers and finally cries.</p><p>At some point in the evening, he blinks groggily at his phone and types out a feeble message to his mother, telling her he wouldn't be down for dinner, and opens Tubbo's chat. He hesitates.</p><p>
  <em>Tommy: cant stream today</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tommy: not having a good day</em>
</p><p>He stops. Deletes the message.</p><p>
  <em>Tommy. i have the fucking flu and ever y time i speak i die a little more</em>
</p><p>He drops his head back down, waiting for the phone to vibrate. It does after a minute.</p><p>
  <em>Tubbo: okay!! feel better soon</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tubbo: i can tell Wiblr Sot for you if ud like</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tommy: please</em>
</p><p>Tubbo's too good for him. A lot of things are too good for him.</p><p>The next day, Tommy crosses the street without looking. It's an accident.</p><p>~~~</p><p>The bad days have turned into bad weeks, but Tommy's dealing perfectly fine. Sure, his throat clogs the moment he gets off stream, and his appetite's declined, and his bad habit has continued, but that's fine. He'll get over it.</p><p>He's on call with Phil, Wilbur, Techno and Tubbo, editing; Phil's just finished streaming, and they're engaged in quiet chatter. Tommy's mum isn't happy with how loud he's being (despite not being home) so he's muted himself.</p><p>Tommy's entirely abandoned his editing, instead scrolling through his explore on Instagram. He's still shivering, but he's given into the cold. It hasn't gone away.</p><p>The others are talking about Dream's SMP, and Tommy baps his spacebar and unmutes his microphone to chime in for the first time in a while. There's a surprised pause, and Wilbur laughs.</p><p>"Oh- I forgot Tommy was here! Hello Tommy," he chuckles. "No wonder it was so peaceful."</p><p>The others laugh, and Tommy joins in, but it hurts. It feels like his lungs are collapsing, and his breath is getting shorter, so he mutes again and stares at his ceiling for a minute.</p><p>He doesn't matter to anyone, he knows this. All he does is bring problems. So why does he want comfort so bad? Why does he want attention?</p><p>He swallows back the tears that have gathered in his eyes- <em>attention-whore, piece of shit</em>- and focuses on the screen in front of him. He's stopped on fanart of him and Tubbo walking. It's cute. Tommy likes it.</p><p>Then he scrolls down. It's a screenshot of a tweet, and Tommy immediately has a bad feeling about swiping, but he does. It's a video of him walking across the street, hair obscuring his face. He doesn't look at the street before passing.</p><p>In a daze, he taps the comments. Most of them are concerned, or annoyed, or just talking about how he looks. One of them- </p><p>
  <em>he's just doing it for attention. surely he knows-</em>
</p><p>They're right. They're right, they're right, <em>they're right.</em></p><p>Before he realises it, he's hyperventilating, hands rubbing his arms furiously. He's so cold. He's so needy. He's just doing it for attention.</p><p>Tommy pulls his headphones off and slams a shaky hand on his keyboard, other covering his mouth. He's not crying just yet, but he knows the sobs are coming; loud, gasping ones he's always tired of. He's just tired of feeling like he's stuck in a limbo between sad and empty.</p><p>He wishes a car would hit him already.</p><p>He stands up abruptly, legs shaking. He feels so weak, like such a piece of shit. There's tears dripping into his mouth. He doesn't bother to wipe them away- <em>drama queen</em>. He stays in his place for a minute, clenching and unclenching his hands. He wants to hit something, throw something, tear something apart. Get hit by a car. Fall out of a window. Touch a live wire in the rain. </p><p>
  <em>"-i hate this, i'm so tired, i'm an attention seeker, i'm a piece of shit, i want to die-"</em>
</p><p>Tommy grabs the closest non-breakable thing and hurls it across the room. It's an eraser. He wishes it would break.</p><p>He wants <em>help</em>. He knows he needs it; that if he keeps going like this something would go wrong, but he's so tired. His parents have their jobs, and his siblings don't deserve a burden like him, and his friends have no obligation nor need to listen to him. He <em>wants</em> help, but he doesn't know how to get it. He's <em>scared</em>.</p><p>He stumbles back to his moniters, skin flushed and rubbed raw, and blindly fumbles for Ctrl+W. He'll make some excuse later, like his parents had turned off his internet, but for now he just wants sleep. </p><p>~~~</p><p>He eats dinner with his family when he wakes up. It's his favourite meal, and he's more hungry than he's been in a week, so he digs in. His mother comments on how red he looks, and Tommy blames it on a runny nose. His dad pulls him aside to wash dishes with him, and tells him that if he ever needs anything to ask. Tommy almost breaks, but holds back and hugs him. Maybe one day.</p><p>Still, the decision doesn't stop him from wanting to tell people. He wants to be hugged by his parents, or wants his friends to joke around with him to make him feel better. He wants Wilbur and Phil to tell him that he'll be alright, and what he's feeling is okay. He wants Techno to tell him that he isn't an attention seeking bastard. He wants Toby to tell him that everything will be alright.</p><p>It won't happen.</p><p>When he opens his discord, he's greeted by a multitude of messages asking him to join a discord call with Wilbur, Phil, Techno and Tubbo. He checks if any of them are streaming; they aren't. He joins, strangely nervous.</p><p>They stop talking when he joins, making Tommy curl in on himself. All of their cameras are on, even Techno's, although he's only showing the bottom half of his face, and his hands, which are fiddling with something. Phil's reclined on his chair, Wilbur's on some random sofa, and Toby's typing on his keyboard. They all stop whatever they're doing. Tommy shifts uncomfortably. </p><p>"Are cameras necessary?" he says, aiming for a light tone and landing in 'vaguely anxious.' Phil's brow twitches in concern.</p><p>"If you want," he says. "You don't have to."</p><p>They make conversation for a bit, and Tommy opens his camera halfway in. He's on the brink of looking like a mess; thankfully the camera doesn't encapsulate how tired he looks. After a bit, he sighs, and opens his mouth, already regretting his decision.</p><p>"Okay, why are we in this call?" he says. It's not normal for them to be in a call with their cameras on, so he feels like he's missing something important. He probably doesn't like what it is.</p><p>"Yeah, about that-" begins Wilbur, sounding strangely timid. "Uh-"</p><p>Techno interrupts him. "You accidentally turned on your mic earlier today. I think you hit your keyboard."</p><p>Tommy's eyes widen, and he scrambles to turn off his camera so no one can see his thunderstruck expression. They heard him- at his <em>worst</em>. On one hand, he's terrified, and ready to deny anything happened; but the other, that seems to be winning, he's given in. He's been so tired. Maybe he just wants some validation.</p><p>He hears Tubbo's voice fade in; he'd blocked out any sounds for a minute, while he was panicking. "I saw a bunch of videos on Twitter of- of you running across the street. P-please tell me those were just accidents," he says, sounding brittle. Tommy's walls break.</p><p>"They weren't," he says, staring at his hands. He hadn't wanted to admit it to himself, but he knew that if he ever <em>did</em> get hit by a car he'd consider it intentional. It was; to be fair, just not directly. He hears Toby make a strangled noise and mute himself. Tommy's too tired to feel guilty.</p><p>The rest of the call goes on in a haze; Phil gently pries him open, and Techno states everything they're too afraid to say, and Wilbur interjects with words of encouragement and validation. Toby's quiet, but Tommy can hear him agreeing with everything being said.</p><p>At some point, one of them asks him why he hasn't told his parents, or them, or if he's told anybody. He hasn't. He'd be too much of a burden; no one should have to listen to him mope, or whine about how hard his life was when it wasn't even <em>hard</em>. They all disagree, and Tommy hears himself becoming emotional, so he mutes himself and ends up just typing into a chat instead, completely unable to talk without breaking down. He does break down when Tubbo finally speaks, and tells him how important he is to him- "You're my best friend, Tommy, and I don't know what I'd do without you,"- and Tommy's sobbing when he's finished- the same gasping sobs as he gets when he feels left out and unimportant, which feels ironic.</p><p>He feels loved now.</p><p>When the call's finished, he resolves to talk to his parents. </p><p>~~~</p><p>When they meet up again, at the Brighton Tower, he sees Phil first and launches himself into the man's arms. Phil has always been like a second dad to him, and feeling his arms wrap around him makes him feel safe, despite being much taller. </p><p>They sit on a bench and talk for a while, waiting on the others. Tubbo, Techno and Wilbur are coming soon; Wilbur would most certainly be late, and Techno got lost easily, despite being the 'human GPS'. Indeed, Toby arrives next, announcing his presence by tackling Tommy around the waist and pulling the younger boy into a tight hug. Tommy, laughing, reciprocates, burying his face into the elder's hair. Tubbo says something along the lines of, "I'm glad I got to see you again," and Tommy hopes he doesn't mind a little saline in his hair.</p><p>Toby and Phil chat for a bit, and they all crowd around Phil's phone, yelling instructions at Techno, who's miserably lost a few streets away. He makes it after a few minutes, and Tommy hesitates to initiate any touch, not sure if Techno was fine with it. As a reply, Techno pulls him into a hug as well, and Tommy drops his head into the nook of his neck as the elder says something dry and fond.</p><p>Wilbur arrives last, brandishing coffee and hot chocolate, and immediately pulls them all into a group hug. Tommy's squished in between warm bodies, laughing, face flushed, and Wilbur murmurs, "I'm proud of you," in his ear, squeezing him. Tommy burns in happiness.</p><p>He's been doing better; he's broken the bad habit, although he thinks about it a lot (what were the chances it'd make a difference?) and he's been going to therapy and taking meds. His parents and siblings were supportive, as he knew they'd be. He's still got his bad days, but he was doing <em>so</em> much better. Maybe he was proud too.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Honestly I hope that he never experiences anything like this, and if he does that he gets help. I'm just projecting. At least I gave it a happy ending!!<br/>If anybody ever feels like this, or near, please get help. There's always people in your corner.<br/>(just me being a hypocrite... nthn to see here move along)<br/>Kudos and comments are really appreciated. Stay safe &lt;3</p><p>tumblr: noorahqar<br/>discord (the writer's block): https://discord.gg/w9CwSK26mm (copy paste into a browser)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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